I haven't met many people who have read Julian Barbours "The End of Time"...which is sad because its the one theory of time that fits with my own way of thinking and feeling.
I was talking with someone who suffers from a paralysing fear of death. It got me thinking about life and death.... the way you do. We all fear the unknown and therefore death. Its incredible that we KNOW we will end, and yet cant really imagine not being here. Death seems to be what happens to other people.
On the one hand that's good because we can go on day to day not worrying. On the other hand if we could really, concretely grasp the idea that nothing, even us, is forever, we would make so much more of our moments. We would take more risks, climb more mountains, swim in deeper waters. We would not waste time, we would love more, hate less and savour everything good in our lives. We'd stop complaining about the small stuff, we'd not have arguments about the little things and we would connect to nature in an entirely different way.
I am learning to let go of the things that make me sad, and to enjoy the things that make me smile. It's not easy and its a learning process. I am getting there and its easy to slip back.
I wonder sometimes if the me of yesterday, the me of 10, 20, 30, 40 years and more ago, is still back there somewhere in time. Is it really gone, is my young self now still and inanimate in a dark place? perhaps every moment continues to happen, over and over again. Its just that they are more like cartoons...they have no real life in them. We make them come to life.
I wrote a story about all of this a few years ago...I guess its a science fiction. But then rockets going to the moon were science fiction once.
Well we are in a New Year and perhaps the old one is continuing somewhere in time. But, I am here in this moment, trying to make sense of it and trying not to rip through into the next moment, but rather let it just let it open up to me.
Love Jen
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